COURTESY OF THE WAYNE COUNTY PUBLIC LIBRARY
"STORIES YOU WON'T BELIEVE" BY LONNIE E. BROWN, IS A BOOK FILLED WITH SHORT STORIES, THAT I AM SHARING WITH ALL OF YOU, WE'LL GO THRU IT STORY BY STORY.
THIS ONE IS -
GRANNY AND THE PREACHER
IN MY GRANDMOTHER SALLY'S DAY, SUNDAYS ON THE FAMILY FARM IN CENTRAL KENTUCKY WERE USUALLY UNEVENTFUL. WE WENT TO CHURCH, CAME HOME, ATE DINNER, AND JUST SAT AROUND RELAXING. NOTHING EXCITING EVER HAPPENED. THAT WAS ABOUT TO CHANGE THE DAY THE PREACHER CAME FOR SUNDAY DINNER.
HAVING THE PREACHER OVER FOR SUNDAY DINNER WASN'T AN UNUSUAL PRACTICE IN ITSELF. HE TOOK TURNS VISITING MEMBERS OF HIS CONGREGATION EACH SUNDAY.
HIS PRESENCE WAS CONSIDERED AN HONOR AT THE NOON MEAL, SO THE WOMEN SPARED NO EFFORT TO SEE THAT A FEAST WOULD BE WAITING FOR THE PREACHER AFTER SUNDAY SERVICE. THAT MEANT THAT AT LEAST ONE MEMBER OF THE FAMILY WOULD STAY HOME AND HAVE THE FOOD READY WHEN THE CHURCH SERVICE ENDED.
GRANDMOTHER SALLY, A YOUNG TEENAGER THEN, VOLUNTEERED TO STAY BEHIND ON THIS PARTICULAR SUNDAY WHILE THE REST OF THE FAMILY WENT TO HEAR THE SERMON AND ESCORT THE PREACHER BACK WITH THEM FOR DINNER.
YOUNG SALLY KNEW EXACTLY WHAT KIND OF MEAL THE PREACHER EXPECTED. SHE PUT ON A KETTLE OF GREEN BEANS, CUT OFF A SKILLET OF FRESH CORN TO FRY, AND BOILED POTATOES FOR MASHING. SHE KILLED, CUT UP, AND FRIED THREE CHICKENS TO BE SURE THERE WOULD BE ENOUGH TO SATISFY ALL APPETITES. IT WAS RUMOURED THAT THE PREACHER HAD BEEN KNOWN TO GOBBLE UP ONE ENTIRE CHICKEN BY HIMSELF. SHE BAKED CORNBREAD, SLICED ONIONS, AND TOMATOES, AND SET THE HOMEMADE BLACKBERRY COBBLER SHE'D MADE FOR DESSERT ON THE TABLE TO COOL. CERTAIN THAT EVERYTHING WAS UNDER CONTROL, SHE BEGAN THE CLEANING UP THE KITCHEN.
SHE TOOK THE CHICKEN ENTRAILS (INTESTINES AND OTHER INTERNAL ORGANS NOT EDIBLE) OUT BEHIND THE HOUSE AND THREW THEM DOWN THE HILL. THEN SHE SET THE TABLE AND TOOK UP THE FOOD IN BOWLS AND PLATTERS. SINCE THERE WERE NO SCREENS ON THE DOORS & WINDOWS, SHE SPREAD WHITE TABLECLOTHS OVER THE FOOD TO KEEP THE FLIES OFF. SHE EVEN CHASED THE CATS OUT, SO THEY WOULD NOT BE TEMPTED TO SAMPLE THE FOOD. THEN SHE STOOD LOOKING OU THE DOOR FOR THE FAMILY AND THE PREACHER TO ARRIVE FROM CHURCH.
SALLY DIDN'T HAVE TO WAIT LONG. THE PREACHER, DRESSED IN THE SAME OLD BLACK SUIT HE WORE EVERY SUNDAY, SHOOK SALLY'S HAND AND FOLLOWED THE FAMILY INTO THE MAIN ROOM WHERE GUESTS WERE ENTERTAINED. HE WAS OFFERED THE BEST CHAIR THE FAMILY-OWNED.
THE PREACHER ALWAYS TRIED TO GIVE THE IMPRESSION THAT HE WAS A VERY HUMBLE MAN, SO HE BEGAN TO PROTEST.
"NO! NO!" HE INSISTED. "THIS ONE IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME, I'LL SIT RIGHT HERE."
THE CHAIR HE CHOSE WAS AN OLD CANE BOTTOM CHAIR THAT HAD A HOLE WORN IN THE BOTTOM FROM YEARS OF USE. HE PULLED IT NEAR THE FIREPLACE WHERE SALLY HAD COOKED THE GREEN BEANS, AND HE SAT TALKING TO OUR FAMILY IN A BOOMING VOICE. HE WRIGGLED AROUND IN HIS OLD, THREADBARE SUIT AS HE GAVE HIS CAPTIVE AUDIENCE HIS SECOND SERMON OF THE DAY.
AS YOUNG SALLY LISTENED, SOMETHING DANGLING UNDER THE BOTTOM OF THE CHAIR CAUGHT HER EYE. SHE COULDN'T SEE CLEARLY WHAT IT WAS, BUT SOMETHING WAS DEFINITELY STICKING THROUGH THE HOLE IN THAT OLD CANE BOTTOM CHAIR.
IMMEDIATELY, MY YOUNG GRANNY WAS MORTIFIED!
"OH, LORD!" SALLY SAID TO HERSELF. "THOSE HATEFUL CATS HAVE DRAGGED THOSE CHICKEN ENTAILS IN AND LEFT THEM IN THAT CHAIR, AND THE PREACHER HAS SAT ON THEM! IF HE SEES THEM, WE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SET FOOT IN CHURCH AGAIN!"
AS SHE FRANTICALLY TRIED TO THINK OF WHAT TO DO, SHE SPIED THE POKER PROPPED UP BY THE FIREPLACE. SHE DECIDED SHE WOULD TAKE THE POKER, JAB THE COALS A COUPLE OF TIMES LIKE SHE WAS STIRRING THE FIRE, AND THEN CASUALLY REACH UNDER THE CHAIR WITH THE POKER AND HOOK THE CHICKEN ENTRAILS WHILE NO ONE WAS WATCHING.
GRANNY PUT HER PLAN INTO ACTION WITHOUT ANY MORE THOUGHT. NOBODY NOTICED AS SHE EASED UP TO THE FIREPLACE BEHIND THE PREACHER AND STIRRED THE FIRE. NOBODY SAW HER AS SHE SLOWLY MOVED THE POKER UNDER THE CHAIR. THEN SHE MADE HER HOOK!
THE QUIET SUNDAY VISIT WAS SHATTERED BY THE PREACHER'S SHRIEKING AS HE LEAPED INTO THE AIR. THE CANE BOTTOM CHAIR FELL BACKWARD ON SALLY AND THE POKER WENT FLYING FROM HER HAND TO THE SIDE OF THE FIREPLACE. THE PREACHER DID A HOLY DANCE HOLDING HIS CROTCH, AND SALLY GOT HER FIRST VIEW OF A PART OF A MAN'S ANATOMY THAT YOUNG UNMARRIED GIRLS DID NOT SEE IN THOSE DAYS.
THE STUNNED FAMILY SAT SPEECHLESS AS THE PREACHER RACED OUT THE DOOR. THE RIPPED, THREADBARE PANTS CLEARLY SHOWED WHAT INNOCENT SALLY HAD MISTAKEN FOR CHICKEN ENTRAILS.
MY FAMILY CHANGED CHURCHES AFTER THAT, BUT THEY HEARD THAT THE PREACHER GAVE UP THOSE SUNDAY DINNERS AND WENT OUT AND BOUGHT HIMSELF A BRAND NEW SUIT!
BY: LONNIE E. BROWN
FROM THE BOOK "STORIES YOU WON'T BELIEVE" - "GRANNY AND THE PREACHER"
COURTESY OF THE LOCAL LIBRARY, I RENTED THIS BOOK FROM.
02/12/2022
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