SOMETHING'S IN THE CHIMNEY
I AM STILL TRYING TO LIVE DOWN ONE OF MY ENCOUNTERS WITH ANIMALS, THOUGH I STILL STAND BY MY SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM.
MY WIFE AND I MOVED INTO A HOUSE WITH A FIREPLACE THAT HADN'T BEEN USED FOR SOME TIME. WE DIDN'T PLAN TO USE THE FIREPLACE RIGHT AWAY, SO WE HAD NOT HAD THE CHIMNEY CLEANED OUT.
I WENT TO BED EARLY ONE NIGHT SO I WOULD BE FRESH FOR WORK THE NEXT DAY, AND I WAS JUST DRIFTING OFF TO SLEEP WHEN I HEARD MY WIFE COME INTO THE ROOM.
"HONEY, GET UP," SHE SAID. "THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE CHIMNEY."
I OPENED MY EYES SLOWLY AND TRIED TO CLEAR MY HEAD.
"WHAT?" I ASKED, NOT QUITE SURE OF WHAT I HAD HEARD.
SHE REPEATED, "HONEY, GET UP. THERE IS SOMETHING IN THE CHIMNEY."
I OPENED MY EYES SLOWLY AND TRIED TO CLEAR MY HEAD.
"WHAT?" I ASKED, NOT QUITE SURE OF WHAT I HAD HEARD.
SHE REPEATED, "HONEY, GET UP. THERE IS SOMETHING IN THE CHIMNEY."
I WAS PROPPED UP ON MY ELBOW NOW, TRYING TO DIGEST THIS NEWS.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" I ASKED. "HOW DO YOU KNOW?"
"I HEARD SOMETHING IN THERE," SHE EXPLAINED. "I'VE GOT THE SCREEN ACROSS, BUT I'M AFRAID IT WILL GET OUT INTO THE HOUSE."
"WHAT DID IT SOUND LIKE? I ASKED, STILL RELUCTANT TO GET OUT OF MY GOOD WARM BED TO INVESTIGATE.
"IT WAS KIND OF A CROSS BETWEEN A GROWL AND A HISS," SHE SAID/ "I'VE NEVER HEARD ANYTHING LIKE IT."
MY WIFE WRITES SCARY STORIES, SO SHE'S ALWAYS HEARING STRANGE THINGS.
"IT'S JUST YOUR IMAGINATION," I ASSURED HER. "GO BACK TO YOUR WRITING. I'M GOING BACK TO SLEEP."
"GET UP!" SHE INSISTED. "I DON'T WANT SOMETHING GETTING INTO THE HOUSE WHILE WE'RE ASLEEP TONIGHT."
AT THAT POINT, I DECIDED THAT SLEEP AT OUR HOUSE THAT NIGHT WOULD BE VERY UNLIKELY UNLESS I CHECKED OUT THE CHIMNEY. I GOT UP, PUT ON MY ROBE, AND FOLLOWED HER TO THE FIREPLACE.
I LISTENED, BUT I HEARD NOTHING AT FIRST. I SHINED A FLASHLIGHT UP THE CHIMNEY, BUT I COULDN'T SEE ANYTHING.
"I THINK IT'S COMING FROM THAT LITTLE LEDGE IN THE CHIMNEY JUST OUT OF SIGHT," SHE SAID.
"THERE'S NOTHING THERE," I ASSURED HER. "I'M GOING BACK TO BED."
JUST AS I TURNED TO GO, I HEARD IT. SHE WAS RIGHT. IT WAS SORT OF ACROSS BETWEEN A HISS AND A GROWL, BUT I HAD HEARD THAT SOUND BEFORE. THERE WAS NO MISTAKING IT. IT WAS A RACCOON! I KNEW AT ONCE THAT A MOTHER COON HAD TAKEN UP RESIDENCE IN OUR CHIMNEY WITH HER BABIES!
"IT'S A MOTHER RACCOON WITH HER BABIES," I INFORMED MY WIFE. "SHE WON'T HURT YOU."
"NO, BUT SHE COULD DAMAGE THE HOUSE IF SHE COMES INSIDE," MY WIFE REPLIED. "WE'VE GOT TO GET HER OUT!"
I DIDN'T SEE ANY WAY OF DOING THAT AT THE TIME, SO I SECURED THE SCREEN SO SHE WOULD BE CONFINED TO THE CHIMNEY. FINALLY, I GOT BACK TO BED.
THE NEXT MORNING AT BREAKFAST, I REALIZED MY WIFE WAS NOT GOING TO LET THINGS GO ON AS THEY WERE.
"AS MUCH AS I LOVE ANIMALS," SHE SAID, "SHE CAN'T LIVE IN THE CHIMNEY. WE'VE GOT TO GET HER AND THE BABIES OUT WITHOUT HURTING THEM."
WE MADE A FEW CALLS, BUT WE GOT VERY LITTLE HELP. WE GOT ALL SORTS OF SUGGESTIONS FROM JUST WAITING, TO BUILDING A FIRE IN THE FIREPLACE TO USING MOTHBALLS. JUST WAITING WOULD NOT MAKE US HAPPY, AND BUILDING A FIRE MIGHT HURT HER AND THE BABIES. WE DIDN'T WANT EITHER. BESIDES, WE DIDN'T FEEL IT WAS SAFE TO LIGHT A FIRE UNTIL THE CHIMNEY HAD BEEN CLEANED. THE MOTHBALLS WERE A POSSIBILITY!
WE WENT TO A LOCAL DEPARTMENT STORE AND BOUGHT A SUPPLY OF MOTHBALLS THAT WOULD HAVE LASTED MOST HOUSEHOLDS A LIFETIME. THE LADY AT THE CHECK-OUT COUNTER SAID NOTHING, BUT SHE GAVE US VERY STRANGE LOOKS. WE RUSHED HOME, HOPING WE HAD FOUND THE SOLUTION TO OUR PROBLEM.
WE TIED UP THE MOTHBALLS IN A BIG RAG AND INSERTED THEM IN THE CHIMNEY BEHIND THE SCREEN, SECURING IT AGAIN SO THE RACCOONS WOULD NOT EXIT THROUGH THE HOUSE. WE WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO WORRY. THEY DID NOT EXIT AT ALL. IN FACT, THE MOTHBALLS WERE SO STINKY THAT MY WIFE AND I ALMOST HAD TO EXIT THE PREMISES. THE MOTHER CONTINUED TO HISS AND GROWL, AND WE HASTILY REMOVED THE MOTHBALLS AND THREW THEM AWAY. WE WERE RIGHT BACK AT SQUARE ONE.
WE SAT DOWN IN OUR LIVING ROOM, BEATEN AND DISCOURAGED. THERE HAD TO BE A WAY TO EVICT OUR UNWANTED GUESTS, BUT WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT COULD BE.
WE FINALLY CONTACTED A CHIMNEYSWEEPER WHO SAID HE THOUGHT HE COULD REMOVE THE LITTLE FAMILY WITHOUT CAUSING ANY HARM, BUT HE COULDN'T GET TO US FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.
THEN I HAD WHAT I STILL CONSIDER WAS A FLASH OF BRILLIANCE.
"WHAT ARE RACCOONS AFRAID OF?" I EXCITEDLY ASKED MY WIFE.
"I DON'T KNOW. WHAT?" SHE REPLIED.
"DOGS!" I TOLD HER, TRIUMPHANTLY.
"BUT WE DON'T HAVE A DOG," SHE REMINDED ME.
THAT DIDN'T BOTHER ME. I HAD BEEN AROUND DOGS ALL MY LIFE AND I COULD DO A GREAT IMITATION. WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, I GOT DOWN ON THE FLOOR ON MY HANDS AND KNEES IN FRONT OF THE FIREPLACE AND BEGAN TO BARK.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" MY WIFE CRIED. "HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?"
DESPERATE SITUATIONS CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES, SO I CONTINUED TO BARK. I MUST HAVE SOUNDED REAL BECAUSE THE MOTHER RACCOON BEGIN TO HISS AND GROWL.
THIS PROCEDURE CONTINUED FOR SEVERAL MINUTES.
"ARF! ARF! ARF!"
"HISSSSS! GROWL! HISSS!"
"ARF! ARF! ARF!"
BY NOW MY WIFE WAS LAUGHING AND SEARCHING FOR THE CAMERA. MERCIFULLY, SHE DIDN'T FIND IT UNTIL I DISCONTINUED THE BARKING AND GOT TO MY FEET.
THE RACCOON HAD DECIDED TO CEASE HER RESPONSE, TOO, SO MY WIFE AND I WENT TO BED. THE NEXT DAY AND NIGHT, WE HEARD NOTHING. THEN, THE CHIMNEYSWEEPER FINALLY CAME. AFTER A CAREFUL CHECK, HE DISCOVERED THAT THE RACCOON AND HER BABIES WERE GONE!
WE HAD HIM GO AHEAD AND CLEAN THE CHIMNEY AND CAP IT FOR A WHILE, JUST IN CASE THE MOTHER DECIDED TO RETURN WITH THE LITTLE ONES. IT WAS A RELIEF TO RETURN TO A PEACEFUL HOUSEHOLD.
"SEE, MY BARKING WORKED!" I BRAGGED TO MY WIFE, QUITE PROUD OF MYSELF. "i SCARED HER AWAY."
"HUMPH!" SAID, MY WIFE. "YOU DIDN'T SCARE HER. AS A MOTHER, SHE JUST DIDN'T WANT TO RAISE HER BABIES NEAR A MAN CRAZY ENOUGH TO THINK HE'S A DOG!"
WRITTEN BY: LONNIE E. BROWN
COURTESY OF THE LOCAL LIBRARY WHERE I RENT BOOKS.
FROM THE BOOK "STORIES YOU WON'T BELIEVE"
TITLED "SOMETHINGS IN THE CHIMNEY"
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