COURTESY OF THE WAYNE COUNTY LIBRARY WHERE I RENT BOOKS FROM.
THE STORY "SUNDAY PASTIMES (OR ADVENTURES WITH CAT SCRATCHER)" IS BY: LONNIE E. BROWN, FROM HIS BOOK "STORIES YOU WON'T BELIEVE".
WHEN I WAS A BOY GROWING UP IN THE COUNTRY, THERE WEREN'T ANY COMPUTER GAMES AND I-PODS TO ENTERTAIN US. WE HAD TO CREATE OUR OWN DIVERSIONS. I WENT TO SCHOOL AND HELPED MY DAD WORK ON WEEKDAYS AND SATURDAYS, SO SUNDAY AFTER CHURCH WAS THE ONLY TIME THAT WAS TRULY MY OWN.
MOST MEN AND BOYS DID NOT LOOK FORWARD TO CHURCH ON SUNDAY MORNING UNLESS THERE WAS A SPECIAL YOUNG LADY TO SEE, BUT IT WAS THE MAIN SOCIAL GATHERING FOR THE COMMUNITY. FOR MOST OF US, CHURCH MEANT SITTING THROUGH BORING SERMONS, SWEATING IN THE SUMMER, AND FREEZING IN THE WINTER, WHILE THE PREACHER DRONED ON OR SCREAMED AT US TO CHANGE OUR WAYS OR GO TO HELL. MOST OF THE MEN CAME WITH THEIR WIVES AND CHILDREN BUT REMAINED OUTSIDE TO VISIT, TRADE KNIVES AND WATCHES, OR TAKE A SWIG OF WHISKEY FROM A JUG THEY KEPT HIDDEN IN THE SPRING BELOW THE CHURCH. UNTIL WE BOYS REACHED A SUITABLE AGE TO JOIN THEM, WE WERE HAULED INSIDE, SEATED ON A HARD PEW, AND EXPECTED TO REMAIN AWAKE AND WELL BEHAVED THROUGH THE OFF-KEY SINGING AND LONG-WINDED SERMONS, WE CONSIDERED IT A GIFT DIRECTLY FROM GOD WHEN ANY OCCURRENCE GAVE US SOME COMIC RELIEF FROM OUR BOREDOM.
WE BOYS HAD ONE NEIGHBORHOOD HERO THAT WE COULD COUNT ON TO LIVEN THINGS UP DURING A DULL SUNDAY SERVICE. HE WAS A YOUNG MAN IN HIS EARLY TWENTIES WHO WENT BY THE NAME OF CAT SCRATCHER BECAUSE HE WOULD FIGHT ANYTHING AND OFTEN HAVE SCRATCHES TO SHOW FOR IT.
HIS FIRST MEMORABLE ESCAPADE HAPPENED ONE SUNDAY MORNING IN EARLY SUMMER. THE CHURCH WAS GETTING AN ADDITION FOR SUNDAY SCHOOL ROOMS AND LUMBER WAS STACKED BY THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING TO BE USED IN THE CONSTRUCTION. THERE WAS NO AIR-CONDITIONING, SO THE DOORS AND WINDOWS WERE LEFT OPEN FOR AIR TO CIRCULATE FOR THE CONGREGATION. THE SERVICE HAD BEGUN AND ALL WAS GOING WELL INSIDE THE SMALL HOUSE OF WORSHIP.
OUTSIDE, THINGS WERE NOT GOING SO WELL FOR A LOCAL RABBIT. HE CAME HOPPING INTO THE CHURCHYARD JUST AS MY HOUND DOG, THAT HAD FOLLOWED ME TO CHURCH AND HAD PICKED A SHADY SPOT TO WAIT FOR ME, RAISED UP TO STRETCH AND LOOK AROUND. THE DOG SPOTTED THE RABBIT AND THE RABBIT SPOTTED THE DOG. THE DOG BEGAN TO BAY AND THE RABBIT BOLTED TO A HIDING PLACE UNDER THE LUMBER WITH MY HOUND IN HOT PURSUIT. THE RABBIT REACHED SAFETY, BUT THE HOUND CONTINUED TO BAY, TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO GET TO THE RABBIT. CAT SCRATCHER DECIDED TO LEND A HAND TO THE HOUND. HE MANAGED TO GRAB THE RABBIT AND PULL HIM FROM HIS HIDING PLACE. HE HELD HIM IN THE AIR WHILE THE HOUND LEAPT AND BARKED FURIOUSLY.
MAYBE CAT SCRATCHER WAS A FAN OF TOM SAWYER'S OR MAYBE HE WAS JUST NATURALLY CREATIVE, BUT THE OPPORTUNITY WAS TOO PERFECT TO PASS UP. HE MOVED QUICKLY TO THE CHURCH DOOR AND SET THE RABBIT FREE IN THE AISLE. DOWN RAN THE RABBIT AND DOWN RAN THE DOG! THEY ROUNDED THE PULPIT AND STREAKED DOWN THE AISLE AGAIN. AS THE RABBIT MADE HIS EXIT, SOMEONE KICKED THE HOUND AND BROUGHT THE RACE TO AN END. IT STARTED A FIGHT, THOUGH, AS CAT SCRATCHER DEFENDED MY HOUND. CAT SCRATCHER WAS HAULED OFF TO JAIL AND, WHEN THE SERVICE ENDED, MY HOUND AND WAS HAULED OFF HOME WHERE WE GOT A GOOD SCOLDING. I THOUGHT IT WAS WORTH IT. I HOPE CAT SCRATCHER DID, TOO.
TO ME, CAT SCRATCHER'S MASTER PRANK CAME ON A HOT SUMMER DAY WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO MELT IN MY SEAT BEFORE THE SERMON ENDED. FANNING ONLY MOVED THE HOT AIR AROUND BUT BROUGHT NO RELIEF CAT SCRATCHER AND SOME OF THE MEN EMPTIED THE WHISKEY BOTTLE DOWN AT THE SPRING BELOW THE CHURCH AND, WHEN CAT SCRATCHER STARTED TO THROW THE BOTTLE AWAY, HE SPIED A NEST OF YELLOW JACKETS AT THE SIDE TO THROW THE BOTTLE AWAY, HE SPIED A NEST OF YELLOW JACKETS AT THE SIDE OF A STUMP. HE WAS INSPIRED BY WHAT WE BOYS THOUGHT WAS A DARING IDEA. HE PUT THE BOTTLE BY THE NEST AND TAPPED THE STUMP GENTLY. THE YELLOW JACKETS IMMEDIATELY SWARMED INTO THE BOTTLE AND CAT SCRATCHER POPPED ON THE LID.
IT WAS COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT THERE WAS A KNOTHOLE UNDER THE PULPIT. ANY BOY OR YOUNG MAN WORTH HIS SALT FILED AWAY BITS OF INFORMATION LIKE THAT IN CASE THEY COULD EVER BE USED. CAT SCRATCHER REMEMBERED THAT KNOTHOLE AND KNEW IT WAS CRUCIAL TO HIS PLAN. THE CHURCH SAT OFF THE GROUND ON BLOCKS, SO CAT SCRATCHER HAD PLENTY OF ROOM TO CRAWL UNDERNEATH. HE REACHED THE KNOTHOLE, OPENED THE BOTTLE, AND LET THE YELLOW JACKETS LOOSE TO DO THEIR THING.
THE PREACHER WAS AT A VERY IMPORTANT POINT IN HIS SERMON.
"REPENT!" HE SHOUTED. "REPENT OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL... HELL.AHHHHH!"
IN TOTAL AMAZEMENT, WE WATCHED THE PREACHER DANCE AROUND THE PULPIT, PULLING AT HIS CLOTHES! IT SOON BECAME EVIDENT THAT THIS WAS NOT A HOLY DANCE, BECAUSE THE YELLOW JACKETS CAME AFTER THE PEOPLE IN IN THE FRONT ROW, AND THEN THE NEXT, AND THE NEXT. PEOPLE RACED FOR THE DOOR AND TUMBLED OUT THE WINDOWS. SOME SWATTED, SOME WERE STUNG, AND SOME LIKE ME WHO KNEW IT WAS NOT A BAD THING TO SIT NEAR THE BACK IN SPITE OF WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE DID, WERE LUCKY ENOUGH TO ESCAPE.
ESCAPE WAS NOT IN THE CARDS FOR CAT SCRATCHER, THOUGH. SOME OF THE MORE RIGHTEOUS MEN SAW HIM CRAWLING OUT AND DETAINED HIM UNTIL THE SHERIFF CAME AND TOOK HIM AWAY. SERVICE ENDED FOR THE DAY, BUT I STOPPED LONG ENOUGH TO THANK THE LORD FOR THE HAPPIEST FEELING I EVER HAD IN CHURCH!
WRITTEN BY: LONNIE E. BROWN
"SUNDAY PASTIMES (OR ADVENTURES WITH CAT SCRATCHER)" IS ONE OF THE STORIES FROM HIS BOOK "STORIES YOU WON'T BELIEVE"
COURTESY OF THE LOCAL LIBRARY WHERE I RENT BOOKS.
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